“There are women and women and, some hold you tight; while some keep you counting, stars in the night”  – Come Down in Time – Bernie Taupin

There’s a girl who lives in the north country of California; an eco-village of recyclers, compost turners and organic lifestylers, who united with me for a time back in the day. She was the only one of the élite women that affixed her heart to mine over this lifetime, and even though we shared the most intimate of hours, with whom I could never find purchase. Even in our most intimate hours there sat between us a kind of violence even in our ardent love-making. She remains to this day an impregnable force, like a freight train, whose gears I could not convince to yield, whose machinery chewed me up every time I tried. I was left to simply buy the ticket and take the ride. When she left I did not chase after her.

Today at 4pm, Friday, September 21, 2012, my first love, who I promised to love and honor till death do us part, in front of god’s emissary and those closest to us, delivered me from that oath by doing what has finally done us apart. She’ll be merely ashes sometime soon and I will miss knowing she is in the world more for what she did for me than what she did to me; more for the grace and dignity she carried through our passion play than for the knowledge that one less supreme connection exists. When she ran off I let her go too.

There were two other as well. So, if I’m ever interviewed by Pierce Morgan, and he asked me his iconic perennial question; “How many times have you been properly in love” I’ll say four. The two others won’t be mentioned here but were nonetheless loved equally. I probably won’t be called when they spin-off their mortal coil since, when they also left, they or I went so far away we couldn’t find each other if we wanted to. When they left I didn’t chase them down either.

My Muse counsels me to “Be Love”; and so, though I was vaporized emotionally for a time by each one, sometimes traveling half-way around this blue globe to forget them, their memories linger in places deep, not dark and foreboding, but represent the pinnacle of joy I have experienced on this gypsy journey, each one an oasis; equal parts pleasure and pain, yet on a diverse dimension, just another town along the road. It was Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem In Memoriam that comes to mind this starry night that soothes the savage beast in my heart and reminds; “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”.

I do wonder in that same deep place if this remembrance, both solemn and joyous, is mutual, a serendipitous occurrence, or rather a singular phenomenon, peculiar only to me. That’s an answer I’d have chased all of them down in order to discover. Perhaps there is an ephemeral plane, some other side, where all our memories live and wait for us. If so, I’ll have to be patient until I give up the ghost to find out. But if there is, I know, despite the stormy nature of each romance, enough love passed between us to overpower any residual angst; and our reunions will be as passionate and transformational for each of us as our meetings ever were. Anyway, one can hope.


About circusinpurgatory
Nick Masesso Jr’s fictionalized short stories, poetry and prose have been published in the Starry Night Review, Elegant Thorn Review, Language and and Vagabond Press; the Battered Suitcase. His latest book “Armor of Innocence” and first book “Walking the Midway in Purgatory, a Journal” are available on-line and through bookstores.

4 Responses to Memoriam

  1. James Mcfarland says:

    8.8 rating. Nicely drafted, artistic sentences within. Work on continuity. First two paragraphs are disjointed. Not sure what lover is whom. Continuity improves after Pierce Morgan portion

  2. Fantastic goods from you, man. I’ve remember your stuff previous to and you are simply too great. I actually like what you have got here, really like what you’re stating and the way wherein you are saying it. You’re making it enjoyable and you continue to care for to keep it sensible. I can not wait to learn much more from you. This is really a terrific website.

  3. Reblogged this on Nick Masesso, Jr..

  4. pinkbubblespinkbubbles says:

    Beautiful. The love never seems to go away completely. Somewhere in the dark hidden crevices of our souls, we keep safe those most precious intimate moments we’ve had with the lost loves of our lives. Sometimes it’s nice to turn on a light, toss a log on the fire, and cuddle up on the sofa with those memories. It’s okay to visit, as long as you remember to come back. Thank you for sharing this glimpse into your past.

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