First Love

 For Melanie:

“The only kind of love is stone blind love” – Tom Waits

When first our hearts met in her father’s basement I was a runaway; scared, hiding, seeking refuge, and in an instant her beauty struck me dumb and I couldn’t breathe. No one ever treated me with more kindness than she did that night; a magic moment that remains imprinted and seared in my memory, as vivid an image tonight as ever.

In our first wild months together I came to learn an even more stunning revelation; her beauty as a human being; that heavenly love light she shined out into the world and onto everyone who came into her sphere, the radiance of her angelic smile that sprung from a pure heart made, not just me, but everyone she touched and everyone who touched her, love her.

All the boys wanted her and she could have had anyone of them for a mate. Everyone, including me, knew she could have done better and I felt blessed when she chose me and we became each others mutual first love. If she could love me I thought; I must be a truly good man. She loved me like a fountain, changed my life forever, gave me everything and took from me nothing.

It was forty-four years ago that she first mattered to me; first made a difference in my life, taking my hand in hers and guiding me away from the path I was on; finally big enough to hit back at a world that came at me like a balled up fist I was set to burn down everything I saw. And then she was there, calming me down. Without her touching me with her goodness my life would not have mattered

Her life matters for all the many lives she’s touched with love and warmth and beauty; none more than mine. She matters in all those lives and most importantly in the life of our son who through her example has always made me proud. 

If it weren’t for her I’d be sharing space, graveyard dead, with my two brothers from another mother Jimmy and Gino, or worse; I’d be found today behind those jail house bars she pulled me out from behind countless times, rescuing me and saving my life. It’s a debt I owe her that I can never possibly repay.

There is a piece of her behind every word I write; behind the courage I find each day. It seems unfair and cheap and self-serving to me to go to her now in her last hours, since I never deserved one as good as her. Yet I am, as I have always been, with her, where she is now, where she will be tomorrow; wherever she goes. Our hearts became one that first night, a time that seems to me only minutes ago; and they still beat as one.   

Gratitude; love always.


About circusinpurgatory
Nick Masesso Jr’s fictionalized short stories, poetry and prose have been published in the Starry Night Review, Elegant Thorn Review, Language and and Vagabond Press; the Battered Suitcase. His latest book “Armor of Innocence” and first book “Walking the Midway in Purgatory, a Journal” are available on-line and through bookstores.

2 Responses to First Love

  1. John Broderick says:

    This is a beautiful tribute to the lady. I am sorry to hear she is ailing and I hope for the best  John B.


  2. James Mcfarland says:

    Beautifully drafted from a true romanticist, only one with a holgraphic memory could summon images so clear and vivid, etched from the ebbs of time. A 9.0 rating: Myriad Unlimited LLC.

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